Emmy Collins blasts Wizkid, Uti, Cossy and others with his list of ‘How To Become A Celebrity (Rachet) in Nigeria’

The article was written by Emmy’s new writer.

Read and let’s read what you think of the article.

Dear readers,

Recently I have been on the lookout for quality contributors to this movement as I have been under immense pressure to keep it going. Well, I’m very chuffed to say that judging by the post below, it might be safe to opine that I have just unearthed one.

I enjoyed the post absolutely and hope you do as well even though it hit hard at someone I care about but hey, I’m not out to muzzle a writer. That is his opinion and I respect it unreservedly. EC

HOW TO BECOME A CELEBRITY IN NIGERIA

1. Bleach your skin.

I cannot stress this enough! Having light skin is an absolute requirement to become a celebrity in Nigeria. Denrele and Toke Makinwa can testify to this.
However if you don’t know where to start, just seek the help of a certain (currently pregnant) hair stylist, whom we hear is a major importer of all things milky and Egyptian.
Hope you get the drift but if you don’t, I can’t help you any further.

Before & After pictures. Can you spot the difference?

• 2. Have no talent whatsoever.

Release the crappiest music ever in the most horrible voice or consistently do some very bad acting. However since visibility is key, make sure you are on every red carpet in some tacky dress. Someone please tell me what Cossy Orjiakor does again.

• 3. You must have an Instagram account.

This is very important for showing off the knock off things that you buy. However Laura Ikeji has taken this mgbekeish behaviour a notch higher by showing us invoices of her sister, Linda Ikeji’s ‘purchases’ and off course with the permission of her egbon after all what are sisters for?

So if you don’t have invoices, acquaint yourself with Corel draw
Toyin lawani certainly leads in this pack. (please ignore her skin tone).

• 4. Create an anonymous account on social media to attack anyone who dares to point out your lack of talent or lack of style, and in most cases lack of the two. By doing this, you won’t come across as sinking low to fight on Twitter.

• 5. You must take the bathroom selfie in your underwear with your Ipad.

Even if you don’t have a great body like Kate henshaw, you suck your tummy in and snap on. People who previously did not know that you had the latest iPad will become acquainted with that information. Hence they will know you are a big gal *rolls eyes*
Moet Abebe shows us how it’s done.

Please ignore the OBANTE which serves as a bikini bottom here.

• 6. Any fan that dares to insult you on Twitter is a poor person. And should be reminded of such.

Wizkid and Muna have enforced this a few times. Even though I am not quite sure what Muna does for a living, but that is matter for another day.

• 7. Create a fan club a count on Twitter to mobilize support for whatever scrappy venture you are involved in.

That way it will look like there are people who actually support whatever it is that you do. Uti understands this more than any other person.

• 8. For the male pop stars, the bar/club fight is a must. You can’t be a pop star without the club fight. Just make sure all the bloggers get the full details the very following day.



• 9. Now, I left this for last due to the simple reason that this happens to be one rule you must adhere to if you must have any inkling of a chance of making it to celebrity top 10 in Nigeria.

The rule I’m on about is that you MUST, repeat MUST expose as much of your God/surgeon given assets as possible.
When I say much, I mean it literarily. It is very KEY that your boobs are always in full view of the public. How dare you have all those assets hidden and yet expect to be called a celebrity? Make you no dull for this one at alllllll.

If you don’t know how to go about this please ask a certain jack of trades and master of absolutely none called Toni Tones or our Cameroonian sister, Dencia

Anyway these are the 9 simple steps to becoming a (rachet) celebrity in Nigeria.

I will be back to offer more tips but in the meantime, you will be setting yourself off on the right path once you adhere strictly to these rules.
Now, go make us proud.
Xoxo