Porn and Relationships

In the last few years a remarkable change has taken place in Nigeria, Britain and many other western countries.

In 2011, huge numbers of men and women are looking at explicit sexual material on the internet. Statistics indicate that sex is by far the most popular search term on the web.

And recent American statistics show that:
* every second, 3,075.64 dollars are spent on pornography
* every second, 28,250 users are viewing porn
* in the US, a new porn video is completed every 39 minutes.

However, there are increasing worries about the availability of porn and the degree to which it demeans women.

Many sex and relationship therapists are now concerned about how porn can skew what people expect in their own bedrooms.

Many women are anxious and upset about being asked to do things within a sexual relationship that they feel are extreme and unnatural – but which they know are activities that their partners perceive as normal because of seeing them on the internet.

These activities are likely to include the man ejaculating onto the woman’s face and anal sex – both of which are now seen as ‘routine’ by some men who view porn.

Nowadays, there are a number of women’s groups on the internet who are strongly opposed to all porn. They feel that it’s insulting and degrading to all females. One correspondent told me: ‘Porn turns women into anonymous meat.’

On the other hand, many women in sexual relationships will – on occasion – quite happily watch some forms of porn with their male, or female, partners. And a growing number of women who are single, or away from home on business, will access porn themselves in order to masturbate to gain sexual relief and have a good night’s sleep.

So, there are wide differences in how people feel about pornography, and it seems likely that there is going to be more and more debate about what porn is doing to our society.

In December 2010, the magazine Psychologies asked, ‘Are teenagers addicted to porn?’ The article, by Decca Aitkenhead, is disturbing. She writes, ‘The average child sees their first porn by the age of just 11. Between 60 and 90 per cent of under-16s have viewed hardcore online pornography, and the single largest group of internet porn consumers is reported to be children aged 12 to 17.’

And on 6th December 2010, the Government announced that an independent review would be established to advise it on how to address the commercialization and premature sexualization of childhood. That review, headed by Reg Bailey, Chief Executive of the Mothers’ Union, will report with recommendations in May 2011.

Furthermore, in March 2011, the BBC will be putting out a documentary about porn, presented by the former Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, who, you might remember, tried to claim for a couple of her husband’s porn videos off her parliamentary expenses.

Can porn be part of a normal relationship?

Our answer to that question would be a qualified ‘yes’.

There is no doubt that many couples experiment with the use of porn as an aid to perking up their sex lives, for example by sometimes watching an explicit DVD together. And sex education videos are often arousing as well as informative.

Also, a lot of women like erotic stories. Some females prefer to read alone to get themselves turned on. Others like their man to read to them in bed.

So for some couples, using pornography and erotica works well.
How women see porn

There has always been a difference between men and women where porn is concerned.

Men tend to be turned on by things they can see, while women seem to prefer the images and fantasies they have in their heads.

For this reason, women often don’t enjoy the sort of porn that men usually like. If the people on the screen don’t appeal to them, they don’t get turned on.

Women can also feel uneasy and inferior about the bodily ‘perfection’ of the women in porn. This can put them off sex, rather than turn them on to it.

A woman can feel threatened by her man’s enjoyment of these images and quickly feel that if a man is enthusiastic about porn, he must be losing interest in her. This is often not the case at all.

Whether women like it or not, because porn is so available, a lot of men are going to view it.
How men see porn

Statistics indicate that many men like porn of some sort or another. Their arousal is linked to images, and from their teens they are likely to masturbate while looking at pictures of female bodies.

Lots of men use porn for quick masturbation – and this can happen even if they are in a sexually satisfying relationship. Some women have a problem with a man seeking solo relief, but huge numbers of normally-sexed men do this routinely.

Men will often say that porn-assisted masturbation is intense, uncomplicated – and relaxing.

They also put it in a separate compartment: porn is just an ‘extra’ that has no impact on their feelings for their partner or relationship.

Men in general do not view porn or solo sex as a sign of infidelity.
What problems can porn cause?

There are unfortunate consequences from the new, widespread availability of porn.
1. The accessibility of porn to children

There is an enormous amount of sexual material on the internet that should not be seen by children. Yet, as the Psychologies study clearly shows, youngsters can and do access it at the click of a mouse.

If you have kids in your home, make sure any computer they use is fitted with a filter that prevents access to adult material.
2. Availability of eccentric sexual material

A quick web search will return sites that most people would find upsetting. They cover topics like incest, coprophilia (sex involving faeces) and zoophilia (sex with animals).

Unless you are compiling a textbook of sexual psychopathology, these sites are best avoided.
3. Availability of violent or cruel material

There is a lot of porn on the net that glorifies violence, particularly against women. There have been suggestions that some of this could provoke men to harm their partners or commit rape.

The British government is looking at ways to curb this sort of pornography.
4. Availability of material involving children

Sadly, it has become clear that a large number of men (and a few women) are fascinated by the idea of sex with minors.

Much research is going on to find out if the availability of ‘kiddy-porn’ is increasing the incidence of paedophiliac behaviour. Stay away from anything that mentions the words ‘teen’ or ‘young’.
5. Raising false expectations about sex and body image

Erotic material tends to give men and women impossibly high ‘targets’ to aim for in the sexual field.

* Young men get the idea that they should have huge penises and be able to climax again and again, carrying on all night.
* Young women get misleading notions about what their bodies should look like. They don’t realize that the pictures of the models are heavily air-brushed so their bodies – and especially their vaginal openings – look impossibly neat and tidy.
* Some younger men are surprised by what most of us would regard as normal pubic hair. They have seen so much porn imagery where the women have little or no hair that they think this is the norm.
* Young men assume it is acceptable to ejaculate on their partner’s face or breasts. This sort of material is commonplace in porn, leading many men to think it’s routine behaviour in the bedroom.

6. Exploitation of models and actors

Visual pornography involves the use of real people. While some young men and women are more than happy to take part in erotic photo sessions or films, for others there may well be an element of exploitation.
7. The tendency of the internet to encourage solitary sex

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of solitary sex. When you are living on your own or are between relationships, masturbation is good.

Sex therapists have also found it can help women with arousal difficulties or anorgasmia (inability to climax).

But when porn becomes preferable to real, live sex with a loving partner, it indicates a problem.